Just make me feel wanted and appreciated, and I will move the mountains!

It's been a while again. Sorry for long wait- time. Hope this one is going to be worth the wait.
Sometimes I sit and want to write something.. meaningful. Is it? Or is this another crap none reader founds valuable?

Values. As older I get as more I appreciate the values of people, my time, my energy, impact on other person, environment... I am 28 for the record.

As the player these previous years I have not been so self-rigorous when asking the clubs to give me that or this. Was it a mistake? I regret nothing. There is no point of regretting what has already been done. I cherish the opportunities I took and countries I saw. I am thankful for all lessons  I have learned, people I have get rid of (as strange as it sounds) and new ones I value the most.

The last three years have  hit me the hardest. I were playing and aiming high in three different nations:
In january 2015, in the middle of the season I joined Swedish Kais Mora. We won Gold that spring. I continued in their juniors team after that year. (Its another story). In december, after the World Championships, I were asked if I want to go to Czech Republic. I didnt had a place in A-team, so why dont take the chance and get away from Sweden? I did, despite I were studying my 1st year at University.
From January 2016, I was property of Czech Republic team Vitkovice. So far this is the best team I have been playing for where my needs where met and for so long I finally felt needed and appreciated for exactly who I am as a goalie. The chamber of club of Vitkovice, (subconscious) took away two big stress factors: paying the rent and having the job. I were payed floorball player of curtain amount of money and full time student. It was perfect for me. Better than I could ever imagine. So is this how it feels to be really a PRO? We won Gold in Czech Republic that Year. That was also my best year of well-being as a goalie.  After 4 month, I returned back to Sweden to continue my studies.

Season 2016/2017 I started with 2nd highest league team Sundsvall IBF up in Northen Sweden. In summer I had already signed the contract with Swiss team from january 2017 until may, so it was done already, that I am going to Switzerland in Year-shift. It took 4h to drive up to Sundsvall one way. It took a lot of energy. But how could I know it, if I never tried? To move to Sundsvall wasnt an option to me, because of the University in Falun and we (I and Sundsvall) knew that I will go to Switzerland. Moving takes energy and occurs a lot of psychological stress. Some time I drew to Sundsvall to play the "home game" which was actually a "Away-game". It takes a strong mental attitude to perform at your best when hitting the road for 4 hours in  row.

In beautiful Switzerland I were a full-time student, a worker and a floorball player. The language was a pain and even communication in english within work and team was tough for me and other as well. We all failed at this one and made it thought for each other. What I experienced about goaltending in Switzerland was that their floorball culture is specific- old fashioned way. Goalie: a person who sits in goal and catch bolls. Preference if goalie takes the space only by its body, not verbal. I didnt feel at my best at all. I also got too low iron level in my blood, which leaded to both physical and psychological circumstances.
How can you perform when experiencing a lot of stress factors: like have to go to work, pay the rent, write examinations and read a lot of course literature, practice and deal with bullying as a goalie. Its way too strong word: bullying, but I will use it anyway. As a goalie, I want floorball world to count with our position more than ever and more seriously! We are valuable part of the team. The whole defense build from and within us. If the basis is not working property, will defense do? 

I returned to Sweden in May 2017. By car. I drew to and back from Switzerland with my baby-car.

I know that moving away from Mora (that is where I have my base for last 3 years now) somewhere else is not an option for now. This summer I got a call from Swedish Highest league team and few 2nd highest and 1st division teams. I have choose to play for 2nd highest league team Strömsbro IF in Gävle. Its 2h drive from Mora and 1 h from Falun and University. Not too much or too less of a challenge. Lagom as swedes might say.

When I came back from Switzerland, I were concerned to focus on my last year at University. But it a World Championships this december!! I needed to play.
I study sport coaching for elite athletes. Just wait when I finish.. I will be an awesome floorball goalie/defense coach, ready to join a team in whenever in world it might sound interesting. Japan maybe? Just make me feel wanted and appreciated, and I will move the mountains!

//GoalieThinking

Over the sea, towards the mountains. My trip to Switzerland.

 

A half year ago on december 26th 2016, I started my journey to Switzerland with my blue Pearl (a car). I drove first 711km (aprox.9h) to Ystad, the ship terminal. I left Mora (Sweden) around 8 o'cock in the morning and were in Ystad around 19 o'clock in evening, four hours before the departure to the ferry to Swinoujscie in Poland. There were a storm in Baltic sea, so estimated departure were delayed almost 8 hours, so we left Ystad around 6 am in the morning on 27th of December. Great service at the ferry, everyone got the cabin to sleep in.
    Around noon we came to Poland. I had downloaded offline maps only for Germany and Switzerland on my phone, because apparently we all need a memory space on our phones for some crappy apps we waste our time within. I drove off the ferry and  were pretty sure that it will be easy to get to Germany. Turned out you have to take another ferry to get to the other side of the river/ canal. Note to myself: You can not take the ferry which is the closest the ship terminal and which is only for use if you are Polish citizen. After a few hours of searching and trying to communicate with citizens of local town, finally I found the ferry I were looking for. Emotionally devastating and full of regrets, I got over the canal and of to the road towards Germany.

    Green alley almost all way to Germany- Poland border with warm sun streaming through my windshield. With tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat, I was scared of crossing that border which will take me further away from my only home i know- Sweden. There is no turning back. I could, but I knew it's not an option. I were leaving my comfort zone. Into the unknown.
    Traffic was intense on freeway between 16 and 18 o'clock. It was stressful. All alarm systems in the body was on, my neck was tense. This was my first time driving on highway with "no speed limit". It was partly raining and wind was violent on open fields specially on my little car. I were not driving faster than 110-120 km/h. It was dark already and it felt creepy being swinging on the road as a boat in waves. Even if it felt devastating, I wanted to come to my destination alive, with car and myself in one piece.
    I took off the highway and took a break at some gas station outside the Berlin. I fed my car with good german stuffin' and took a large cafe late for myself. I drove through long parking spot towards the highway again. I am not sure what happened, but suddenly my car started to sound like an awesome turbo-mega-speed-car underneath. Without noticing, I could have hit my exhaust system under my car, which made it hanging in two pieces. Panic at its best! Confusion and debility took over. I wonder how many times I looked under my car and swore " what the fuck!?" Shaking and in panic I collapse besides my car with my back against the drivers door. I couldn't help myself and were crying with my hands covering my eyes and face. It was raining softly, but not a single fuck was given at that moment. Hopeless. Regrets. Weak. I lift up my head and looked at the sky. Hopelessness and one only thought in my mind- why?
 

  I got my breakdown in middle of nowhere. Nowhere to go, noone to call. I needed a hug so bad. The solution was simple- to get my shit together and keep on driving. As stubborn as I am, I got into my car and get back on highway. Sound was terrible. I drew few minutes. I heard pipe hitting the road. I were sure there is sparkles everywhere. The heavy truck behind me sent SOS signals with its lights. I took off again and saw the village lights. The village out of nowhere. Dark and raining. No people around. I stop my car and spoted a car coming behind me. The man spoke english and suggested me to drive to the bigger village few km further away.
   I stoped at gas station. I went in and tried to communicate with the shop assistant. She suggested me to by a phone credit and try to call tomorrow to the local car garage, because it as already closed today. I went outside towards to my car. Like the angel from heaven, the gas station costumer named Florian came to me running. He called two his local friends who owned their own garages. I were sent to another town 10 km further away my current location. I dont remember his name, but he weld together exhaust and I was good to go. Back on road around 20 o'clock.
    I felt empty. Dead of emotion. There was simply no left. Cars were passing me by one after another. I didn't care. I were driving around 100-110 km/h with one hand steering the wheel from above, the other just hanging on my lap, staring at the gray road in front of me in the surrounding darkness with my cars headlights on. Same emptiness as few years ago when I left Norway and went back to Sweden with no real destination to go, no place to really call mine. I remember how I drove high above sea level between the little hills. It was morning, raining and foggy. There were no skyline to be seen. I were not sure what to do with my life at that point. I were screaming, yelling at myself and crying while sitting in my tiny white car with my belongings around me, moving towards
Swedish border. That was that silence afterwards within you after a fight with yourself... Another war you just won? Another dead emotions lying there as your fiercest enemy you just won against? Kind of magical, kind of hopeful and hopeless at the same time.
    I drove until 1 am in the morning. It was - 6 degrees cold outside. I took as much clothes I could reach and care to take. At that point I did not care much about temperature outside. I slept maybe an hour and half in deep sleep, after that I woke up around 3 am and decided to continue to drive. I drew two more hours. Around 6 o'clock, somewhere outside the Stuttgart, I took a nap again. It was warmer and getting lighter. I slept like a baby.

    Waking up in another place than your bed is always strange. Sun was softly streaming threw the tall trees outside the parking spot into my car. I heard sound of big trucks passing by. Its a new day. 28th of December and I am almost in Switzerland. I came to Bern, sun was shining, blue sky, green grass, people in hurry on the road even here. Total travel time around 2100 km in around 50h.

I arrived to Ersigen, my new home and working place in Switzerland. I were living in another village 20  km away from Ersigen- Zuchwill, but heart knows where the home is. Martins family took me in as on of their own kid. Beautiful family and warmth were priceless. Martin was my employer at his Läng Company and sport chief at Bern Burgdorf Wizards.
    The place will always stay in my heart. So much warmth, so many new lessons, new challanges, new friends and dreams.

/Goalie Thinking

Be Unique

Have you seen Avatar movie?

Sky-people comes to new planet, digging after a new rock which has a value on their dying world. A piece of rock which value is so insanely high, just because its not on their planet. Just because its so rare. A treasure.

Do you you know that you are a treasure too? When you want to become someone else, lets say copying someone else, you lose your value. Following the crowd, you will become a rock with zero value.
As a person, you are the rarest, purest, unique thing there is. Value your flaws, embrace your uniqueness. Choose your leaders with rational thinking or become as an greatest icon of yourself. Try new techniques, develop your own, Figure out and analyze the ways that work for you and your goalie style.
Push yourself out of your comfort zone and accept challenges, they will make you grow and help to discover who you truly are.

//Goalie Thinking

Gameday between potential finalists.

Facebook status said this morning, that 5 years ago on this day I was playing against Rönnby with Endre IF. We kept zero and I also gave an assist to Anna Jakobsson. We won 5-0.

As I am writing this post, I  am sitting at a desk with computer in front of me and eating my pasta with tuna (which I made yesterday). In 20 minutes I will be picked up by my team mate.
Today we meet Piranha Chur team who is leading the table at the moment. Wizards (my team) is at 3rd place.

I have a  lot going on in my life right now. Yesterday I had an emotional conversation with a guy I really like. I think its over whatever it was. I have been crying half of the night. Typical woman... Today my eyes looks like a blown and swollen fish lips.

For school I have sent in an assignment and trying to catch up with others from my class in another subject.

Few days ago I had a flue and disturbing throat. Today I felt really hot time to time as I pack my goalie stuff, but I dont like to think that I am  sick. I am done with that. My nose is leaking and I am sneezing at least 2 times in an hour.

But I have a game to attend. A game I have been waiting for.
If I am a pro as people have been called me, I will be great today.
And I dont expect anything less than that!

//GoalieThinking

P.S. We won big time with 9-2. My defenders and all team together.. well.. we did it as a team together. One for all and all for one, starting with coaches and fans from the side up to our forwards hitting the goal after the goal. After 2nd period result was 8-0. 

Gloves or no gloves?

It depends, from my point of view.
Here are some reflections about why you should or shouldn't wear goalie gloves.

Since years have passed by and I have become more vise I might suggest you to wear gloves at least when you are a kid or youngster. There are some cases noticed and one goalie has shared its experience with me and admits, that because of not wearing gloves at young ages, it's sensitivity of finger-tops have been worse. It is in a matter of all shots your skin surface faces. The small nerves and skin receptors, which helps us to feel temperature, pain, texture of material, have been damaged.

In my case, I use gloves during the practice, but sometimes it depends if I use them in games too. Usually I don't. I play with bare hands and taped fingers. This decision of mine is based on two my experiences: Adrenalin and grip.

Grip. It will always be the best grip with no extra layer of cloth- just bare hands, but it also depends if you have been using gloves before all times or not. If you have never played without gloves, I guess you will feel safe and most comfortable by playing with gloves no matter what and opposite.

Adrenalin. In practices I use gloves, because the Adrenalin, which I get in situations in game and in game in general, never comes to same level as in practice. In practice I might feel irritation of shots more than in game. In game I kind of don't care. In game I am more focus just to take that one shot during the 3 periods of 20 minutes, but in practice there comes a lot of them. Maybe that's the explanation?

Distance and duration. It depends how close the shot comes and how hard it comes against you. Take care of your hands, goalie! Take care of your fingers! Players will never understand you, but we (goalies) do. And you have to understand you!

Dislocated knuckle (joints in fingers) is something I am dealing now, just because as a youngster I was shy to say to coach to change distance for players and kind of didn't have understanding about importance of protection for my fingers.
Here is coming a video instructions about how I am dealing and helping myself from practice to practice to stabilize my finger knuckles/joints. I hope it helps!

Remember, these are your fingers! I know you will make the right decision! Be vise. Just in case you haven't been thinking this way- You will need your hands when you are old too.
Take care! 

//Goalie Thinking

P.S. If you are a floorball goalie, join the "(Floorball) Goalies Community" on facebook,  

Woman in sports. Case of goalies equipment.

You will do what you are tell to do. You will wear what you are tell to wear. You are a woman and men rules. Men has always ruled the world. Most of the decisions in this World the man takes. Women tries to do the rules right for them, but what we (women) get? The bunch of attitude for being feminists. And as sad as it sounds- its gives a bad test in your mouth saying that. Dare to prove me wrong, you know I am right.

Fuck it, I say. No fucking more! I want to be proven wrong. I want to be equal to every and each.

Sport is made by man for men. (article in Swedish about boxing) There is no woman sports, there is only woman who are doing what only a man were supposed to do.

How is it connected to goal-tending and me? Hang in here, mate.
This is only one perspective, case I will reflect about. There is hundreds more worth to write about.

Floorball is pretty young sport, same as goalkeepers equipment. And as I know, there is no equipment made specially for woman. Do we need that? Is there difference? Physiologicly(bone structure for example in pelvis) we are different and isnt it so that all goalie equipment is made for and by man? Why is it so, that "you, woman, put on this what fits you. It looks good on you. But noone asks how it feels in it? You have to pick the suit witch feels the closest to feel good. Should the equipment be made just for one gender? I dont know. Like some weeks ago I really didnt care about this.

But than it came to Latvian Nationl Team, who have signed a contract with a goalie equipment supplier. The rules by it/they sides are furious in my opinion. You are going to wear, what National Team has for you. In some point I were considering to write to president of National Team and explain, that I will not were something in what I dont feel good, and if they (him) make me, I will sign myself out from National Team.
I play in National Team to give my best performance and honor my country, not to be a product to sell. I will wear what makes me feel good in. I will wear what makes me "ME" in goal. I have played for more than 15 years by now, and I know the impact in my performance(which is always been negative) by changing to equipment " just in a blick of eye" like that. And that's exactly what happened usually in National Team, when you get the equipment only a day or two before. How I suppose to adapt my movements in new shapes of equipment just in warm up before the game in World Championship?! Sleep in it night before and pray to the floorball Gods?

But I hope that solution will be made, by shipping them to me before the qualification in the end of January. I hope I will have a chance in some practice to try it on. But as I know, the rules are strict in teams too about equipment. Even in practices you have to wear the equipment what team is sponsored with.

Somehow I think, if men has it easier to adapt to equipment just because these all different kind of equipment branches have made them for/on manly goalies? Maybe that's why they(men) think it should work for woman too? Or maybe they just really dont care? Or abvious they havent think about it.

Will never the woman in floorball(and general!!) get the same attention/values as man do? Like a couple of Years ago Team Falun made it very clear, that they dont want the womans team, and gash.. have you heard that some floorball playing woman might get a contract same as Kim Nilsson did. Are we not worthy the same? We are. We just need to be seen by eyes of the woman, perhaps.

quick breath in and the moment is gone

This season(2016/2017) I am playing for very young, promising team up in North of  Sweden- Sundsvalls IBF. According to statistics we are 20.2 years old team. Guess who's the oldest! :D
I went there two weeks ago. Out of 3 games we have 1 point in our pockets.

Sundays game, 30 seconds before end of the 3rd period the score were 1-1. Twenty seconds before the end signal it says 1-2 and after the signal we are leaving as loosing team.

The boll hits my hand. It's a strong shoot. The girl who shoots has one of the 5 strongest shoot I know/ have experienced among the girls. The boll hits my hand, I look back to see where it went... it's up in a air and gently falls into the net.

It's one quick breath and the boll is in the net. We are talking about 1 second moment.
The one little, tiny moment where you act or freeze.
I see the moment as a slow motion in front of my eyes. I froze. 1 second moment where my spirit crushes in million small pieces and covers the whole floor around me. The air got heavy and there is no sound around me. It's dead. I just feel this quick breath stuck into my chest.

Later that night, while driving back to Mora, that moment replays in my mind over and over again. I froze. And that's what hurts me the most. At the end of the 3rd period.. Could I have been just grabbing it out? I believe so. At least I see myself doing it right now. As I believe I could have save it.

1 second moment...
Only a goalie can understand what a goalie goes through.

//GoalieThinking