Around noon we came to Poland. I had downloaded offline maps only for Germany and Switzerland on my phone, because apparently we all need a memory space on our phones for some crappy apps we waste our time within. I drove off the ferry and were pretty sure that it will be easy to get to Germany. Turned out you have to take another ferry to get to the other side of the river/ canal. Note to myself: You can not take the ferry which is the closest the ship terminal and which is only for use if you are Polish citizen. After a few hours of searching and trying to communicate with citizens of local town, finally I found the ferry I were looking for. Emotionally devastating and full of regrets, I got over the canal and of to the road towards Germany.
Green alley almost all way to Germany- Poland border with warm sun streaming through my windshield. With tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat, I was scared of crossing that border which will take me further away from my only home i know- Sweden. There is no turning back. I could, but I knew it's not an option. I were leaving my comfort zone. Into the unknown.
Traffic was intense on freeway between 16 and 18 o'clock. It was stressful. All alarm systems in the body was on, my neck was tense. This was my first time driving on highway with "no speed limit". It was partly raining and wind was violent on open fields specially on my little car. I were not driving faster than 110-120 km/h. It was dark already and it felt creepy being swinging on the road as a boat in waves. Even if it felt devastating, I wanted to come to my destination alive, with car and myself in one piece.
I took off the highway and took a break at some gas station outside the Berlin. I fed my car with good german stuffin' and took a large cafe late for myself. I drove through long parking spot towards the highway again. I am not sure what happened, but suddenly my car started to sound like an awesome turbo-mega-speed-car underneath. Without noticing, I could have hit my exhaust system under my car, which made it hanging in two pieces. Panic at its best! Confusion and debility took over. I wonder how many times I looked under my car and swore " what the fuck!?" Shaking and in panic I collapse besides my car with my back against the drivers door. I couldn't help myself and were crying with my hands covering my eyes and face. It was raining softly, but not a single fuck was given at that moment. Hopeless. Regrets. Weak. I lift up my head and looked at the sky. Hopelessness and one only thought in my mind- why?
I stoped at gas station. I went in and tried to communicate with the shop assistant. She suggested me to by a phone credit and try to call tomorrow to the local car garage, because it as already closed today. I went outside towards to my car. Like the angel from heaven, the gas station costumer named Florian came to me running. He called two his local friends who owned their own garages. I were sent to another town 10 km further away my current location. I dont remember his name, but he weld together exhaust and I was good to go. Back on road around 20 o'clock.
I felt empty. Dead of emotion. There was simply no left. Cars were passing me by one after another. I didn't care. I were driving around 100-110 km/h with one hand steering the wheel from above, the other just hanging on my lap, staring at the gray road in front of me in the surrounding darkness with my cars headlights on. Same emptiness as few years ago when I left Norway and went back to Sweden with no real destination to go, no place to really call mine. I remember how I drove high above sea level between the little hills. It was morning, raining and foggy. There were no skyline to be seen. I were not sure what to do with my life at that point. I were screaming, yelling at myself and crying while sitting in my tiny white car with my belongings around me, moving towards Swedish border. That was that silence afterwards within you after a fight with yourself... Another war you just won? Another dead emotions lying there as your fiercest enemy you just won against? Kind of magical, kind of hopeful and hopeless at the same time.
I drove until 1 am in the morning. It was - 6 degrees cold outside. I took as much clothes I could reach and care to take. At that point I did not care much about temperature outside. I slept maybe an hour and half in deep sleep, after that I woke up around 3 am and decided to continue to drive. I drew two more hours. Around 6 o'clock, somewhere outside the Stuttgart, I took a nap again. It was warmer and getting lighter. I slept like a baby.
Waking up in another place than your bed is always strange. Sun was softly streaming threw the tall trees outside the parking spot into my car. I heard sound of big trucks passing by. Its a new day. 28th of December and I am almost in Switzerland. I came to Bern, sun was shining, blue sky, green grass, people in hurry on the road even here. Total travel time around 2100 km in around 50h.I arrived to Ersigen, my new home and working place in Switzerland. I were living in another village 20 km away from Ersigen- Zuchwill, but heart knows where the home is. Martins family took me in as on of their own kid. Beautiful family and warmth were priceless. Martin was my employer at his Läng Company and sport chief at Bern Burgdorf Wizards.
The place will always stay in my heart. So much warmth, so many new lessons, new challanges, new friends and dreams.
/Goalie Thinking
