Part of me is happy, other part is sad and feeling like stubbed in heart with a knife. This is my "perfect" runaway. Runaway from Sweden. Again.
Four days after World Championship in Tampere the president of Vitkovice wrote to me and asked if I want to come to Ostrava and play for them as the 1st goalie as a replacement for their goalkeeper, who is coming to Mora!? Whaaaat?! I know... I was on my ass too..
It's a lovely trade for not saying more.
This is very personal post. But I have decided to write about it anyway- the way I feel about it deeply in my heart.
It does feel like I am not good enough for Kais. There has no been talk about my possibility to play for A-team again. I was no option. Should I work on harder for this communication? I am not a good goalkeeper in eyes of Kais Mora. That's my only explanation for now. I am not the one who they want and who they need, and apparently that's what brakes my heart.
It's a lovely trade for not saying more.
This is very personal post. But I have decided to write about it anyway- the way I feel about it deeply in my heart.
It does feel like I am not good enough for Kais. There has no been talk about my possibility to play for A-team again. I was no option. Should I work on harder for this communication? I am not a good goalkeeper in eyes of Kais Mora. That's my only explanation for now. I am not the one who they want and who they need, and apparently that's what brakes my heart.
Kais Mora broke my goalie-heart. Can you ever imagine to be heartbroken by a club? Funny. :)
Everything, I suppose, is as it has to be.
At first I was in shock. I was dealing with my emotions inside and how useless I felt. I went to my professor to ask if it will be possible for me to keep studying from distance. If he says no. It's no to Vitkovice. If yes.. It was a "Yes". It's going to be complicated, but I will fix this. I need this gateway away from Sweden even if it last for couple of months.
One of the coached of Kais, is right. I have been denying it since I come to Sweden. I knew I have to learn it but I guess it does not work for me. It just lacks down my potential and lowers my self-esteem as goalie. My perfect performance has never been reached here in Sweden. I have never felt it!
I have never been the one who likes to compete with others. The only person who is worth my opponent is me. I have never learned to accept the 2nd goalies position, but I rather let someone else take it than step over someone else dreams. (Even if it costs "suffering" for mine?) If I can't be trusted, I have nothing to prove. But if I am- I will prove everything and above!
I come form Latvia where I have always been the 1st goalie. Ask anyone- they will confirm than I was "an animal" in net. In sport coaching in school we talk about team culture, well I guess I need to pick up a new term- goalies culture. This is my goalie culture- by giving my best performance, I need to be trust as the first choice by team and organisation. If not, the team will never reach out my greatest potential. I have tried to deny it. This is the way I am. I am done with being seen as 2nd choice.
In Sweden I have always been put in a competition with other goalie. This country is very democratic. There is only a few teams where you been told (secretly) being a 1st goalie, but it seems to be different with players and their "capability" always playing in 1st line. Almost always it doesn't matter than 1st line player misses some/ all! practice and get chance to play anyway. but that's off the type.
At first I was in shock. I was dealing with my emotions inside and how useless I felt. I went to my professor to ask if it will be possible for me to keep studying from distance. If he says no. It's no to Vitkovice. If yes.. It was a "Yes". It's going to be complicated, but I will fix this. I need this gateway away from Sweden even if it last for couple of months.
One of the coached of Kais, is right. I have been denying it since I come to Sweden. I knew I have to learn it but I guess it does not work for me. It just lacks down my potential and lowers my self-esteem as goalie. My perfect performance has never been reached here in Sweden. I have never felt it!
I have never been the one who likes to compete with others. The only person who is worth my opponent is me. I have never learned to accept the 2nd goalies position, but I rather let someone else take it than step over someone else dreams. (Even if it costs "suffering" for mine?) If I can't be trusted, I have nothing to prove. But if I am- I will prove everything and above!
I come form Latvia where I have always been the 1st goalie. Ask anyone- they will confirm than I was "an animal" in net. In sport coaching in school we talk about team culture, well I guess I need to pick up a new term- goalies culture. This is my goalie culture- by giving my best performance, I need to be trust as the first choice by team and organisation. If not, the team will never reach out my greatest potential. I have tried to deny it. This is the way I am. I am done with being seen as 2nd choice.
In Sweden I have always been put in a competition with other goalie. This country is very democratic. There is only a few teams where you been told (secretly) being a 1st goalie, but it seems to be different with players and their "capability" always playing in 1st line. Almost always it doesn't matter than 1st line player misses some/ all! practice and get chance to play anyway. but that's off the type.
I know that my new team believes in me same much as Latvian Nation Team does. I feel that this is going to be good end of this season for both me and Vitkovice. I have already been told than I am going to be 1st goalie and it already works inside of me. Its hard to explain and find the words, but everything what I wrote above is going to be put on prove. That's my little "test" during my time in Ostrava.
Thank you for now, Sweden for great lessons I learned and good times on floorball field and beside it! Thank you to my all teammates in Sweden around for being there for me and times we spent together! Maybe finally I have understood the power of myself and what it takes to release it in goaltending. I am ready for my new club! And it's going to be awesome! :)
Thank you for now, Sweden for great lessons I learned and good times on floorball field and beside it! Thank you to my all teammates in Sweden around for being there for me and times we spent together! Maybe finally I have understood the power of myself and what it takes to release it in goaltending. I am ready for my new club! And it's going to be awesome! :)
Some people need to be appreciated by other people more than others do. And I am definitely one of them. I need to be appreciated and be the first choice. I need to be believed in! When it happeneds- the magic begins!
If I am going to fail in Ostrava... I am done with goaltending. Its not worth anymore to be put threw all these emotions. Let the game begin!
//99
