If I can't be trusted, I have nothing to prove.

My phone is going to explode! A lot of people and friends of mine are asking me is that true and why? Why am I leaving Sweden and going to Czech Republic? Who's idea was it?

Part of me is happy, other part is sad and feeling like stubbed in heart with a knife. This is my "perfect" runaway. Runaway from Sweden. Again. 

Four days after World Championship in Tampere the president of Vitkovice wrote to me and asked if I want to come to Ostrava and play for them as the 1st goalie as a replacement for their goalkeeper, who is coming to Mora!? Whaaaat?! I know... I was on my ass too..
It's a lovely trade for not saying more.

This is very personal post. But I have decided to write about it anyway- the way I feel about it deeply in my heart.
It does feel like I am not good enough for Kais. There has no been talk about my possibility to play for A-team again. I was no option. Should I work on harder for this communication? I am not a good goalkeeper in eyes of Kais Mora. That's my only explanation for now. I am not the one who they want and who they need, and apparently that's what brakes my heart. 

Kais Mora broke my goalie-heart. Can you ever imagine to be heartbroken by a club? Funny. :)

Everything, I suppose, is as it has to be.

At first I was in shock. I was dealing with my emotions inside and how useless I felt. I went to my professor to ask if it will be possible for me to keep studying from distance. If he says no. It's no to Vitkovice. If yes.. It was a "Yes". It's going to be complicated, but I will fix this. I need this gateway away from Sweden even if it last for couple of months.

One of the coached of Kais, is right. I have been denying it since I come to Sweden. I knew I have to learn it but I guess it does not work for me. It just lacks down my potential and lowers my self-esteem as goalie. My perfect performance has never been reached here in Sweden. I have never felt it!

I have never been the one who likes to compete with others. The only person who is worth my opponent is me. I have never learned to accept the 2nd goalies position, but I rather let someone else take it than step over someone else dreams. (Even if it costs "suffering" for mine?) If I can't be trusted, I have nothing to prove. But if I am- I will prove everything and above!

I come form Latvia where I have always been the 1st goalie. Ask anyone- they will confirm than I was "an animal" in net. In sport coaching in school we talk about team culture, well I guess I need to pick up a new term- goalies culture. This is my goalie culture- by giving my best performance, I need to be trust as the first choice by team and organisation. If not, the team will never reach out my greatest potential. I have tried to deny it. This is the way I am. I am done with being seen as 2nd choice.

In Sweden I have always been put in a competition with other goalie. This country is very democratic. There is only a few teams where you been told (secretly) being a 1st goalie, but it seems to be different with players and their "capability" always playing in 1st line. Almost always it doesn't matter than 1st line player misses some/ all! practice and get chance to play anyway. but that's off the type. 

I know that my new team believes in me same much as Latvian Nation Team does. I feel that this is going to be good end of this season for both me and Vitkovice. I have already been told than I am going to be 1st goalie and it already works inside of me. Its hard to explain and find the words, but everything what I wrote above is going to be put on prove. That's my little "test" during my time in Ostrava.
Thank you for now, Sweden for great lessons I learned and good times on floorball field and beside it! Thank you to my all teammates in Sweden around for being there for me and times we spent together! Maybe finally I have understood the power of myself and what it takes to release it in goaltending. I am ready for my new club! And it's going to be awesome! :)  

Some people need to be appreciated by other people more than others do. And I am definitely one of them. I need to be appreciated and be the first choice. I need to be believed in! When it happeneds- the magic begins!

If I am going to fail in Ostrava... I am done with goaltending. Its not worth anymore to be put threw all these emotions. Let the game begin!

//99

First week in University- clear!

Approximately 2 weeks ago I felt like this. (read)
Fear. Confused. Simply scared of what will be and what will happened.
It turned out well again. It's true- I should stop worry about things which is impossible to change in given moment. Jest let it be. But that's not that simple, right? Still learning.

It feels like this program which I take is quite suitable in my opinion, for me. I feel like already this first week have locked up and faded away my illusion of "Latvian being in Swedish school will just don't work." It might. It was the language which made me the most worried about starting the studies.
Will I understand what we are going to talk about in classes?
Will I manage to write in Swedish ?
It's going to be tough, but I feel like I will get thru this too. I have to try.

I went for a run. It's crazy how many questions and thought just spin around and around my head. Does it happens to you too?
In school we were talking about reflection about coaching and things in common. My biggest question is to figure out how to control my feelings. Even today by thinking over and over things in my head while running, I started to cry in 1 mile track. But that's not the first time.

My worst enemy is me and myself only. Worrying about things I can't solve at the moment takes away my energy so I feel not at my best while giving the performance at floorball field and not even at physical practices beside the floorball.
I feel crushed inside. So many things to put together. So many things I wish I could fix just in a blink of an eye. As much as I try to handle them by myself, I need someone to talk about this. Talk not just to get an answer, but most important to be heard and understand. Since my sister don't live here in Sweden, I been trying to handle my thoughts all by myself.. It don't go so well...

I wanted to get lost in a woods, in 1 mile track, but that's exactly where I found myself.

//99

I have been lived in Sweden for 8 years now.

I am more than a person under the helmet.
Sadly, but I don't feel good as person. I am not calm inside. I am not sure if I am in a right place thought all this travel...

Today I climbed Gesunda mountain outside the Mora city to challenge my body and mind in more peaceful way. Keep on going- the view at the top is beautiful indeed. I feel myself. I guess I am just scared of my state of mind about my position in Life right now.
I have signed the new contract with Kais Mora floorball team, but am I happy with this decision? Both of the ways. Yes and No.

I am not as strong as I pretend to be. I miss my family. I miss Latvian culture. I feel irrelevant here in Sweden. It's challenging sometimes the way the sweds are. I wish I could meet someone who may listen to me not just to answer, but to understand. But that may happend even if I would be living in Latvia right now (I suppose). I am a young woman who have been raised in different country, with a lot of different decisions and turning points and values. We are so similar but still so different as a nations. Am I losing my identity?

Traveling in time:
Exactly 8 years ago I landed in Sweden- Visby. All I had was a sport bag full of clothes and shoes.
Eight Years. These are my first hand-written posts in brand new country- Sweden.
Sadness, grief and loneliness. All I wanted was someone to held me tight and say than I will be fine.

When someone moves away from their family, friends and nationality, culture, steps outside their comfort zone and puts their smile on and says it's okej... it's fake. Don't leave them alone.
Eight Years of lots of true and fake smiles. Memories of greatness and true value in people and their actions. True friends and honesty and many sleepless nights with tears in my eyes.
Amazing how strong I have become, how many lessons I have learned, how many amazing people I have met and ...
I want to learn to trust the human-kind again.

#99

GoalieThinking#2

Lots of thinking.
We lost game yesterday and we had quite a long road trip back to Mora from Goteborg.

Let's be honest, we all have faced that day when things turns out most hateful way possible. The days we hate the most- those days which are called "not my day today".

Sometimes there are times you are surprised about- how the hack I save that shoot and that one and there are times, even if you feel physically strong and great, you can't save even the simplest shoots or you feel like you took the position perfect but still it "passed by" you. Is it just a luck which spends time with you for a while and than leave you again or join the opponent team? What is it?

According to my friends (The Best Goalie) research it's less about luck than  BEING RIGHT NOW AND HERE same as physical than mental way. It's important to be in the game with every sense. It's important to be focused and emotional stable in your mind and thoughts same as being physically strong during the game. Minute after minute. Here and now.

And that's above is great practice for focus, my friends. During the practice, the games- work on your focus. Push yourself forwards. Take a deep breath after a lost goal and be HERE AND NOW, take the next shoot! And next one! Slide! It's easy to say, but forget what happened few seconds ago- move one, push yourself forwards! Same as for physical training, we have to work on mental part. Only that's how we can succeed!

Good luck! :)

//99

Big G. Gameday.

I should pack my bag. We (my team) are leaving in 3 hours but I am still in bed chillin' with my breakfast. Still don't have any desk.. I have to fix one. I slept bad tonight. This is going to be a sleepy buss-tour soon. I hope my thoughts will back off and leave me for a little while. I hope I am not going to cry. (I hope there will not going to be war in Latvia and nowhere else too. Why can't we- intelligent people make it stop!? None likes to be called stupid or idiot, but that's what we are if we can't make a Peace between countries. We all are idiots. Anti- Heros!! )

Tonight we will stay at hotel and tomorrow we will be leading to Umeå. It's Gameday tomorrow.

Gameday. Gameday you write always with Big G! Always! As goalies, as I know, it's privilege to play a game. I found it more stressful by siting on bench and couldn't find the way to help the team as you do on field. But as people say, teammates and coaches- you have to give energy from beside too. And I do. You do all what's best for Team. Always! Team you wrote with Big T too. (I should remember that.) Team is a bunch of people who cares about each other and you care about them.

It's Valentine's day. Saturday. I am not going to be bitter here, so wish you all a very best of Valentine's day with lot's of Love and so... And to all brokenhearted- deal with it. Move on. Fall in love again. Just keep in faith in Love. Love comes again. (Just what a hack do I know about Love..?.)
Still heart of mine is processing the healing-part. Just giving myself a time. Time cures, they say. Ha! (Being asshole now. I think it's true.Time cures and that's the gap of time when we learn how to move on.)

Packing- buss- hotel- breakfast- lunch- buss to Umeå- Game- buss- "home"-sleep- monday= my weekend.

//99

Moving again.

I have moved again. Last time I was a goalie in SSL (Swedish Super League) was with team Sala Silverstaden season 2013/2014. Took a break.  Felt in love, didn't work out. I wanted to runaway so I went to Norway. Felt disappointed at myself than I decided to leave Sweden just because I let my heart to be broke. Felt wrong. Moved back to Visby- my first "home" in Sweden. Started to study Swedish in gymnasium level. Felt right for few month. In November I kept in touch with Division 1 Köpings IBK's team and SSL Kais Mora. In January I moved to Köping and become goalie coach for clubs goalies. Fantastic time! Fantastic people! Grateful for this time in my Life!
At the end of the January I moved to Mora.
I know who I am and what can I do. The first step for me is to trust myself as a goalie again. I do already, but I feel the gap between where I was, where I am  and where I can be. Next step is to earn trust from my new team and supporters. I usually say, than game starts from defense. It starts with goalie on field and coaches on side. Without trust in goalie and strong defense it's hard to win, I like to think.

//99